MMBM: Kevin Durant Should Owe Child Support To The Kids In OKC That He Is Abandoning
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Kevin Durant leaving Oklahoma City makes him no better than a deadbeat dad. There I said it. What Kevin has done to a communty is no better then a father going to the store for cigarettes and never coming home. Like it or not, todays athletes are more involved in my kids day to day lives than I am, therefore it stands to reason that they should have some skin in the game when it comes to abandoning them for greener pastures.
Its tough to believe that someone who represents Chesapeake Energy would ever do something that negatively effects the lives of Oklahomans in order to succeed but this is todays NBA where players care more about being treated like royalty then treating others with loyalty. In OKC’s case- the fans, legally speaking could make a case for receving some sort of financial payment or salary cap consideration for losing a superstar who decided to shack up with the NBA’s equivlant of the hot young secretary. These players could learn a valuable lesson that there actions not only affect themselves, but also our kids who respect them more than they respect us as parents. Young Thunder fans have gotten accustomed to a certain standard of basketball, and it would be unfair to make them watch a bad team now just because their hometown hero- who is legally a guardian- left them in a lurch. You want to go chase a ring with some other team son? Hell go right ahead but your going to need to cough up some money so I can buy my kid a new jersey to wear to his stepdads graduation.
Its an awful cycle of bad parenting. LeBron James was the most obvous example of walking out the door leaving a whole city filled with kids lacking a father figure. Then magically he decides to get back in their life when he sees maybe Cleveland had a promising potental future in basketball and now all of a sudden he’s back and ready to cash in. The NBA is lousy with these types of deadbeat losers who had no problem doing the fun part and creating a team, but leave once the diaper bills start piling up and Steven Adams episiotomy still hasnt healed.
And I guess we should of seen it coming with KD. When you get down to it, Kevin Durants tattoos told us everything we needed to know about his character. Hiding all your ink underneath a jersey just makes you wonder what there is to hide in the first place. Who knows whats in his tattoos. Could be classified information, swear words, or gang oaths. At least Allen Iverson had the class to put his tattoos where everyone could see them from a mile away so we could properly judge his character before we allowed him to get too close. With Kevin, he can ingratiate himself into your city, your team, and your family. Having tattoos that hide underneath your jersey is essentally the same thing as storing classified information on a private server.
And its a major case of buyer beware with the Warriors. You want a bad boy well you got him. Their fans are so used to having squeaky clean Steph whose biggest vice was throwing his pacifier across the room, and now they’ve got this new guy who just abandoned a entire city waltzing in the door with a torso filled with indecipherable body ink. Golden State fans might be excited with their new summer fling, but with the addition of the tatted up Durant, the Warriors have gone from PG-13 to MS-13.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Bruce Arians
The Arizona Cardinals “All Or Nothing” debuted on Amazon Video and it is fantastic. Every week were going to discuss one episode because lets face it- July sucks for NFL and we need to string this thing out. After one epsiode I can tell you all that the runaway star is going to be Bruce Arians accent.
Bruce is such a football guy that he is the first known case of someone whose accent is not defined by traditional geographic locations and can only be described as “eastern locker room.” It is the product of getting fired from a dozen different football jobs, so over the course of his life the only place that he’s ever been long enough to acquire a accent is inside of football facilities. The New York Times dialect quiz would narrow his vernacular down to a squat rack in Western Pennsylvania or a shower stall in Cleveland. The mans voice is a melting pot of Pittsburgh, Blacksburg, Indianapolis, Philadelphia, and Alabama. It is race-neutral. One second he sounds like Jon Gruden reciting slam poetry at the Apollo, and the next like Tony Robbins cast in the role of Bullworth. His abilty to naturally sound Black, White, like he’s seducing you, and like a teenage girl convincing someone to commit suicide for being such a loser all at the same time is what makes him a truly Elite NFL coach.
Arians have always had a knack for persuasive public speaking and after watching this show its easy to see why.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. James Harrison is still probably the most intimdating man in professional sports. Here he is squeezing a nice little workout in:
Speaking of medicine balls you have to wonder with all the steroids if he even has testicles anymore or if they just morphed with his kidneys and became a internal organ.
2. Andrew Luck just signed a deal to make him the highest paid NFL player in history and here he is, literally reviewing the contract at his press confrence, and demonstrating a complete lack of trust in his agent and team owner:
Smart move by Luck to tripe check the contract- you always have to make sure the i’s are dotted specially when you’re dealing with a owner who’s prone to pupil dialation. My question is, do you want a nerd leading your team? In High School we had a couple of nerds and even though they were a instrumental part of leading our team to victories, it almost felt like we would of had more of a football menatlity without them. Might not of won as many games, but we certainly would of never overthought things either. The only pocket protector I want my QB to worry about plays Left Tackle folks.
One thing to watch for with Andrew Luck is the fact that alot of folks don’t think he’s that good, actually. He’s prone to staring down touchdowns, and he does a poor job of mentoring the QBs behind him on the depth chart like Griff Whalen.
3. The Washington Post reported that the presumptive President-Elect Donald Trump used charity money to buy a authographed Tim Tebow helmet at a charity auction. Nice “investigative journalism” by the Post who in the past 40 years have gone from meaningful reporting on whether or not Richard Nixon broke the law by misusing non-profit funds in a effort to advance his own interests as he’s running for public office, to investigating Donald Trump for something as minor as this.
4. Mark Schlereth, former Redskins/Broncos lineman and youth basketball/baseball coach for me; has a riviting series of videos on Youtube called “Man 101″ and I can’t reccomend them enough. The videos usually feature Mark doing something related to his deck, lawn, or just anything that is near his yard, and he schools all the wimps at home about how to act like a man. This week- Stink has a beehive in his backyard that he goes to elimnate with cold-blooded effeciency:
I would watch a series of videos where Mark just does household chores by peeing on things at slightly different velocitys and distances. Off the top of my head you could clean a mower blade, drown a queen bee, kill weeds, and make a great tasting Green Chile.
5. The Pussification of Bears has begun. A Black Bear in Baker Lake Washington drank 36 beers and passed out at a campground. 36 drinks isnt that much for a Black Bear to consume in one sitting in fact, that was pretty much a typical Thursday night for Cedric Benson. Also- this bear would only drink the Ranier Beer- it tried one of the Busch Lights and left the rest of them alone. Maybe it was the camo pack and the bear couldn’t see the rest of them but it seems to me that Bears have just become a cog in the craft beer snobbery machine that we’re seeing across the nation. Back in WW2, Wojtek the Polish Bear fought the Nazis- nowdays Bears think they’re to good for light beer.
Also- turns out the Bear story is from 2004 and by publishing it again in 2016, WBIR just invented a whole new type of news . They’re taking stories that occurred pre-social media era and reinjecting them into the news cycle via Twitter and Facebook to get shares and acting like they’re new. Its a masterstroke by publishers to squeeze every click out of each article. So expect to see stories re-tooled with new and improved social-media friendly headlines like “Watch Amos And Andy DESTROY SJW culture” or “Its so hot in Dallas the First Lady decided to go TOPLESS, what happened next blew her husband away”
6. The Dallas Cowboys hosted a overnight sleepover for young fans inside AT&T stadium. It was part of a charity effort where underprivilaged children (aka anyone who grows up cheering for the Dallas )get to spend a night sleeping on the actual playing field in Arlington. After a fun night of doing impresions of the Cowboys defensive line the team arranged for all the beds to be delivered to the kids homes. I’m not exactly drinking the kool aid here given the track record leaders named Jones forcing a bunch of kids to go to their resting places.
7. You should have to be a virgin to wear white at Wimbledon. Now that Brexit has passed, its time for England to get back to being England. And that means repressing all elements of sexualty and putting out puritanical vibes at all times. The Victorian Era literally translates to “The Days of Winning” and it disgusts me
8. It’s tlling that you don’t see NFL players lined up in the offseason to take less money to play with Cam Newton like you do in the NBA. Say what you want about Lebron James but he’s got guys coming out of retirement to compete along side him for peanuts. I call him Cam Gluten because no ones willing to cut back on there bread to play with him.
9. Huge win for the Trump campaign for convincing Tom Brady to not speak at the Republican National Convention. Trump cant afford to be endorsed by someone who wears a star on there chest at this point in the campaign.
10. Russel Wilson gets killed for his past sometimes, but Ciara is worried that her fiance is in danger of getting murdered by Future. (That is how you write a fucking lead right there folks.) According to a lawsuit filed by Ciara, Future has threatened Russel Wilson on many occasions doing things like putting guns next to football emojis on instantgram and rapping about pulling up on him. Couple thoughts here:
1. Smart move of the Seahawks to bring in Connor Shaw as a insurance policy.
2. I have to think theres a racial element in play here as well. Futures been doing this out in the open for the past year and no ones really cared. But if Dave Matthews had been threatening to murder Eli Manning with a blowgun I bet there would of been a complete investigation already. Might just be a PR move on Wilsons part to quiet rumors that he’s not black enough by showing that his life has been threatened and police aren’t taking it serously.